Skin

Welcome to June's Blog with Friends!! Each month a theme is chosen and then participating bloggers use the theme, to create their own unique blog posts. The blogs can contain anything the blogger wants it to, and each month a vast variety of posts are created. You never know what you will find in a BWF post; it could be a poem, a short story, a recipe, a rant, a DIY guide, or anything else under the sun. This month's theme was Poison.

The first thing that came to mind, when I read the word poison was hate. Hate is a poison, and it does terrible things to the folks who consume it into their hearts and minds. Racism is one of the most poisonous forms of hate. It needs to be eradicated once and for all. The thing that upsets me most about many of the racists I know, and have encountered, is how they hide behind the Bible and God, in trying to justify themselves, and show they are good people. There is nothing good about a racist. There is nothing racist about God.

God created us ALL, and we are ALL his children, and all he wants is for us to love EVERYONE. He never asked us to treat any certain skin color badly, or as less than, so if racists could leave God out of their bullshit, that would be wonderful. However, far be it from me to tell anyone how to live their life. In reality, I need to just worry about me, and my own eternal salvation, and worry about raising a good human being in Gigi, 

Honestly, I was going to write a long post about this subject, but I realized two things....

1. Those who will actually read my post and pay attention to it, are not going to be the ones who actually need to read it.
2. The last thing needed right now, is another privileged person with white skin, ranting about the injustices of racism. We all need to be listening to people of color right now. Listening to their words. Letting them sink in. We need to be rallying around them, and enabling them to speak. We need to be quiet. We had our turn to speak, and now it is their turn to speak, and hopefully get way more progress than we did.

So, I decided to share a post I made on my personal Facebook with y'all, and just leave it there.

This post is going to be long. I don't even know what it will say, because I'm just speaking from my heart. My thoughts. My ideas. My opinions. If you don't like it, scroll on by or unfriend me.

I was going to create this post tomorrow, on the first, because today is my Kat's seventeenth birthday. I spelled that number, so I don't feel as old, as that number is making me feel. Every year on her birthday, I spend some quiet time thinking about her. What she'd most likely look like. What she'd be doing in life. What personality would she have. Would we have a great relationship, or a rocky one, or none at all?! By seventeen, I was beating my own drum already. Today, as I kept thinking about her, and sending messages to her in Heaven, my mind kept returning to the same thought. What would her life be like in today's world?!

As most of you know, at least I think you know, Kat is biracial. In this world we live in, my heart aches, for moms of children of color. Minorities, as they're referred to, have so many struggles and obstacles. I have white privilege. All white people do, whether they want to admit it or not. Would my privilege have extended to Kat, or would it be voided by her skin tone. My guess is it'd be voided.

It is 2020 and we should have progressed much further by now, in terms of equality.

I had really planned on writing down my thoughts tomorrow, but the more I thought about, I realized she'd probably approve of me doing it today. Plus, as I wrote in a letter to someone just yesterday, had Kat lived, I would have taught her to stand for what's right, even if she were the only one standing.

God created us all. God loves us all, and told us to love each other.

People scream back at anyone who says #BlackLivesMatter, that #AllLivesMatter, but to that I reply.... All lives cannot matter, until the lives of people of color matter also.

We've seen so much blatant racism, that it's undeniable that it exists. We see cops kill human beings, and get away with it. We've seen white people committing terrible injustices to people of color. We've seen white people not participating in racist actions, but also not fighting against them. We've seen so many peaceful protests. We've seen people of color punished much more harshly for crimes, than white people who commit the same crime. If you have not been seeing it, you're not really paying much attention.

What we haven't seen much of, is change, and it's needed badly.

I see so many people condemning the rioters. That's fine. That's your reaction to our country's current condition. Their reaction is different. It does not mean that it's right. However, murder is also not right, and we've all seen murderers walk away unpunished or barely punished. I don't care what you want to say on that matter... It's a FACT. Now, we've seen it happen AGAIN, and it was so undeniable, that even a few racists (more on that later) I know have said it was murder.

So then I hear.... All they need to do is peacefully protest, and they will be fine. Where the heck have you been?!? There have been peaceful protests for decades, and they haven't worked. Not only that, but they've often suffered consequences, for practicing their right to protest.

Colin Kaepernick protested quietly. He was chastised and lost his job. His fellow NFL players who joined him in the peaceful protests, were threatened with consequences, until they gave up. I heard a lot of yelling about disrespect. The only disrespect, were the people who were fighting for them to lose their right to protest. Nowhere in flag etiquette, does it says it's disrespectful to kneel. It does say... Do NOT display a flag horizontally... You know, like over large football fields. It does say... Do not print the image of the flag on clothing, napkins, items that will be disposed of carelessly (paper plates, cups, hats, necklaces, cake frosting, etc). It does say... Never let it touch the ground... You know like the turf of a football field. It was ridiculously ironic, watching people yell at people silently protesting injustice, that they were disrespecting the flag, while wearing shirts with the flag printed on them and flag bandannas. If you're really concerned about disrespect to the flag.... Quit using the image of the flag, on ANYTHING other than an actual flag. Also, call the Sports conglomerates, and tell them to quit displaying the flag horizontally.

The fact of the matter, was many of those yelling about the flag being disrespected, weren't really focused on the flag. They were focused on the fact that the protest was about respect and equality for PEOPLE OF COLOR, and some that it was against (corrupt murderous) police officers.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr was murdered.

Rosa Parks was arrested.

Countless peaceful protesters have been subjected to bean bag/rubber bullets, tear gas, arrest.

So, if you're going to keep encouraging peaceful protests, then you better demand action from those in positions to create the changes, the peaceful protests are calling for. History has shown, peaceful doesn't always equal successful.

We recently watched armed people, protesting at hospitals and government buildings. I didn't hear uproar then. They were armed. They shouted nasty remarks at nurses and doctors, who were blocking their street access, so ambulances could get through. Where was the rage then?! Oh that's right, not only were they mostly white, but the weren't fighting on behalf of equality.

I know not all cops are bad. I know a few bad apples shouldn't ruin the bunch. However, that old phrase doesn't work in this situation. The problem is our system has continuously, for decades, allowed the police (if corrupt) to use their power to suppress and even murder people of color, and get away with it. Or get consequences far less that what was deserved. There are so many amazing cops. I know quite a few. I chose a cop to be Whit's Godfather. My Auntie was an amazing cop. However, unfortunately for the good cops, too many bad cops have gotten away with too much, and peaceful protests aren't working, so people are becoming desperate to enact change. This is causing for our good officers to now be in danger, which terrifies me. I'm praying the good ones, start calling out the bad ones.

If being peaceful hasn't brought about change, then rioting is what comes to mind. Don't be quiet. Be loud. Scream it to the Heavens... Get change started.

This is a time, when people need to decide which side of history they want to be on. The side of equality for ALL, or the side that hates based on skin color.

We white people, who understand that we aren't truly a great country, until all of its citizens have total equality, must use our white privilege to help people of color accomplish necessary change. The rest of you, need to get ready for the battle you're starting.

At the end of the day.... We are all human. We all have the same needs and similar wants. We need to start worrying about our own lives, and quit trying to control the lives of others.

Don't like someone? Don't be their friend.

Don't like something? Don't do it.

At the end of it all, we are all going to be judged based on our own choices. So make your choices, and let others make their own.

So, as I think about my Kat today, I can't help but be grateful she's safe, even if it isn't with me.

So, if you're still with me, let me make a few things clear.

1. Black lives matter.

2. Nobody is above the law.

3. Murder is murder. Murderers should be convicted and punished.

4. Bacon is gross.

5. Women deserve equal pay.

6. I support marriage. I don't think "gay marriage" should be a thing. I think any one legal-aged consenting adult, should be able to marry any legal-aged consenting adult they want. Marriage should simply be marriage.

7. For people fixated on sin... Hate the sin, not the sinner. Plus, you really need to leave the judging to God, and focus on love and kindness and compassion.

8. If it's not your bedroom, and the occupants are consenting adults.... Mind your business.

9. Do not try to make another person's rage at an injustice affecting them, unjustified, when you cannot possibly comprehend their feelings, or you're a part of the cause of the injustice/rage. Your actions/words causing their rage, is your choice/opinion/right. Just as their reaction to your actions/words, is their choice/opinion/right.

10. I cannot believe I'm the mom of a seventeen year old. I'm old.

11. In terms of the riots/protests occurring recently around hospitals, and nurses needing to block traffic, so a street could be open for ambulances, doctors, nurses, staff to come and go.... My take is... I would have taken the nurse's place, and let her/him return to saving lives.

12. I believe in love, kindness, joy, treating others well and with compassion, justice, peace, equality, and unity.

13. Our medical system, educational system, justice system, and government should never have become for-profit entities.

14. Animal Crossing is awesome.

15. The current treatment of Native Americans is abhorrent.

16. I was raised a Republican. Grew up to be an Independent, but I'm currently (and probably forever) a Democrat. One of the greatest moments in life, happened a few years before my dad died. We had a very in depth talk one day. Sadly, it was only a few months later, when he found out he had cancer AGAIN. I cannot believe I am going to speak publicly about this, but I don't think he'd mind. One of the first things he did, was apologize to me for what he said, when I called to tell him Kat went to Heaven. He had said it was good for her. Better to be in Heaven than to have to live life as a n*****. He also brought up politics, which scared me, because we didn't ever see totally eye to eye. We both agreed trump would be a terrible POTUS. I was shocked. He apologized for his anger about me having a couple of relationships with men of color. He told me things were different when he was young, and he was stubborn, so it took him a while to truly see things for what they are and should be. The reason I revealed that, was to say... Racism is not natural. We are born seeing each other as fellow humans. Racism is taught. Just because you're taught it, doesn't mean you need to carry it on. I think if people truly listened to their hearts, they would see the correctness of equality. A human being is a human being, and no human's worth is based on their skin color.

17. Back to the racists I know comment.... Over the years, many people I know have used the n word in front of me, and made racist statements. As a child, I minded my own business, as I was raised to. As an adult, I've learned to just be quiet and leave ASAP, if I'm the only one who is affected by it. When I leave, I cry. I cry so hard, because when folks use that word in reference to all black people, they're insulting my daughter. If it's used around any person or persons of color, I call it out, and defend the persons of color present. Well, from now on, I'm done being quiet. You want to say some racist ignorance around me, I'm no longer going to just go away and cry. I'm going to call you out. I. Do. Not. Care. Who. You. Are. To. Me. You want to use words insulting my Kat and her fellow human beings of color.... Well, get ready for this Mama to verbally knock the ignorance out of you.

I think I will leave the list at seventeen, since Kat is seventeen.

Also, if you'd like to do a small act of kindness today or any day, in honor of our Kat, her sister and I would appreciate it.

My love to you all. May we all have joy, love, safety, good health, and equality.

So, please, if you are a person of color, know that I am your ally. I am here to listen and to help.

If you are not a person of color, please help in any way you can. We should not still be fighting for racial equality. This is something we need to focus on and get it done.

Now, that you have read my post, please do not forget to read the rest of the amazing Poison Blog with Friends posts!!!

Karen of Baking In A Tornado
Garden Vegetable Fettuccine

Lydia of Cluttered Genius
I Choose Me

Tamara of Part-time working Hockey Mom
I need a new dishwasher because of reasons

Melissa of My Heartfelt Sentiments

Spa Day is What We Need

Spoonfuls of Wishes #BlogWithFriends

Welcome to September's Blog with Friends Round-up. Each month, participating bloggers choose a theme, and create a unique post based on that theme. Each post will be different and connected to the theme in whichever way the blogger chooses. This month's theme is 'Wishful Thinking'. When I heard the theme, I knew I had to participate. I have been scribbling down thoughts about a post for weeks, and though I know it won't add much to the round-up, I had more than once told myself it was wishful thinking on my part. So, here I am, giving my addition to the round-up. Blog with Friends posts can include any number of things, from poetry to short stories, to recipes and crafts, to DIY instructions and long winded rants, and anything in between. Once you've read mine, I do hope you go check out the wonderful offerings, from the other talented participants.

A short time ago, I went to the movies, and watched the extended release of "A Star is Born". I honestly had no idea what the movie was about, and had not gone to see the original release, but decided to see it, after seeing Gaga and Bradley perform together. I was amazed the he could sing so well, and she had me hooked. I had to see her act and hear him sing. I was warned a tiny bit, that it was emotional, but I genuinely found myself unprepared in the end.

It really gripped me for a while. I wasn't entirely sure why. I am so not Gaga or Ally. I cannot sing or dance. I am so not a star. I can honestly say, I am grateful, I have never had a Bradley/Jackson in my life. I would not have minded, just would have hoped for a different outcome. (On a totally unrelated side note, I have prayed for a Sam Elliot, or just HIM in my life since I was young, and sad to say, it never happened, but I loved seeing him in the movie!) So, I was not sure why I was so taken by the movie, but it truly touched me. I have listened to the soundtrack often and thoroughly. I really enjoyed it all, as a package, and have planned to watch other versions in the future.

A few weeks ago, I had an epiphany of sorts. It happened as we were cleaning house on a Saturday. I knew since the first time I heard it, that "Remember Us This Way" was my song for Chad. Down to the fact he was born in Arizona, and we reside in California, and if you have heard it, you understand that. I had put on the soundtrack, and was cleaning our bedroom, and reliving the movie, while letting the songs washed over me.

BAM.

Suddenly I understood. I finally understood, what my subconscious had obviously known, that I had not figured out yet. I suddenly understood exactly why the movie hit me so hard, down to my soul. I just had to throw out the norms and really get to the heart of the matter. I am no Gaga. Chad is no Bradley. However, I am a Jackson and Chad is an Ally. Once I stopped trying to relate to gender, and thought about relating to the characters, it all made sense.

I told Chad what I realized. It would have been easier, if he had seen the movie, but I explained it as best as I could, and in terms of he and I, so that he would understand. I unloaded baggage I have been holding in for years. I also made him listen to "Remember Us This Way". REALLY listen to it. I cried so many tears.

If you haven't watched the movie, you may want to skip this next bit. If you have watched the movie, you know that Jackson has a chronic ailment, and he tries to overcome the impact it has on him, and the struggles of treating it cost (not talking money) him so very much, including his life. He loves Ally, but he feels like nothing but a burden. He medicates to function, and over-medicates to handle the weight of it all. He holds it all in. He doesn't reveal his soul to Ally, most probably because he does not want to be more of a burden, than he already is.

Ally loves him. She loves him despite it all, and she'd do anything for him, though she never truly understands him and his innermost battles and struggles.

Ultimately, he felt like he was dead-weight, weighing her down, and he ends his own life.

I get that. To the core of my being, I truly understand the struggles on chronic illness, and the burden and  pain, of feeling like you are no good for the very people you love. I even understand having to take medicines, just to be able to function on a basic level. I understand the want to end life, and end being a burden on the very people you care the most about.

Y'all.... I totally get this movie. I GET it. I get him. I get Jackson. I so get it.

So, explaining how I feel to Chad, was difficult and freeing.

However, it is hard to explain something to someone, who has never experienced it. So, I relied on the spoon theory. If you have anyone in your life, who is chronically ill, I recommend looking into the spoon theory, and trying to get some understanding.

Basically, what it is saying, is that everyone has a supply of spoons, to accomplish the necessary and desired tasks, of that day. Everything the person does, uses up their spoons, and different activities require varied numbers of spoons. The amount of spoons a person has, and how many spoons tasks takes, varies from person to person. Healthier people tend to have more spoons and require fewer spoons per task.
Chronically ill and temporarily ill people, tend to have a limited spoon supply, and tasks take more spoons to complete.

For example, maybe taking a shower for myself, required three spoons, and for Chad, it only requires half of a spoon. Tasks taking more spoons for some people, possibly would not be quite so bad, if everyone had a large supply of spoons. I know, for me, my spoon supply varies, depending on how well I am.

So, something as simple as a shower, probably seems easy peasy lemon squeezy, for a healthy individual, but could be beyond daunting for a Spoony (Chronically ill person, that generally has a limited spoon supply daily). That day in particular, as we were cleaning up our bedroom, and putting away laundry, I had Chad bring me a box of books from my favorite author, and I (finally) put them up on the shelf, I had Chad hang in our room.

He got the heavy box down, off the top of the hallway linen cabinet, carried it to me, and I placed the books on the shelf. I was instantly overjoyed, that my books were finally where I wanted them, and my heart was happy. Chad remarked on my excitement, and said I could have done such a simple thing, on any given day. Obviously, he cannot understand something he's never experienced, especially if I've never told him detailed explanations of it.

I told him to remember that moment. How, for me, getting my books onto the shelf was monumental, but to him seemed like no big deal. I explained how, I have a minimal spoon supply, and since injuring my Meniscus, I had even fewer. I told him, the book task probably took him only part of one spoon, but had I gotten the box down, carried it to the bedroom, and shelved the books, it would have required multiple spoons, and I probably wouldn't have even been able to get them off the cabinet.

I try to save my spoons for super important things, and I use them carefully. I remember when I had a seemingly limitless supply of spoons, tasks took partial to one or two spoons, and I'd often have some left at the end of the day, and that was with purposely adding in extra activity, to maintain my health. I miss those days. If I had known I would have a limited spoon supply one day, I'd have taken the little things less for granted, and I'd have done more.

Despite how impossible it seems, I keep hoping that one day, I'll start having more spoons on a daily basis, so I no longer have to ask for so much help, or put off doing simple things, so that I have enough spoons for more valued activities. It is sad, when simple tasks, like eating, bathing, using the restroom; requires so much effort, that they often lead to feeling triumphant once complete.

I know that it's just wishful thinking, that one day I'll have an increased daily spoon supply, and simple tasks, will once again be simple. I cannot help it. I am an eternal optimist, who not only thinks anything is possible, but also believes in miracles.

How about you, what do you have wishful thinking about?!


Here are the links to the other 'Wishful Thinking' posts:

Karen of Baking In A Tornado shares her recipe for Banana Cream Cake.

Melissa of My Heartfelt Sentiments shares Happy Sweater Weather.

Dawn of Spatulas on Parade shares Calorie Free Cake - Wishful Thinking.

Kia of The Ground Beneath My Feet shares Wishful Thinking: How a Map Made Me Want to Consume the World.

Lydia of Cluttered Genius shares Tips for Returning to Work After Working at Home.

Tamara of Part-time Working Hockey Mom shares Wishful Thinking? Make it Happen!
 

Me #BlogWithFriends

Welcome to July's Blog with Friends Round-up, a blogging challenge hosted by Karen from Baking in a Tornado. Each month we choose a topic, and then we all create our own unique posts, based on that month's chosen theme. This month we chose "Tell Your Story". Each blogger's post can be anything their heart desires, and their imagination can dream up. It is up to us to interpret the theme any way we like. Posts can include anything from poetry, short stories, craft projects, DIY projects, art projects, and anything in between. The limits are endless, and it gets quite interesting each month. 

When I first heard the topic of Tell Your Story, I immediately thought about writing about my life story, but I am thirty-six, and that would be one long post. Plus, though some of it would be interesting, it would also have some very boring parts. Shortly after I ruled that idea out, I went through something, and I immediately thought I would tell you all the story of that event, and my feelings and opinions about it. The truth is, I was very upset, and I realized the entire post would be me ranting, and I did not want to write a totally negative post. That did lead me to the approach I want to take.

I want to tell you guys things about myself, enabling you all to get to know me a bit better. Some of the things, some of you may already know, but I am also including things that most people do not know. I am not necessarily telling my secrets, but I am just choosing to be open and honest, and tell my story.

1. Of course, I decided to start with the rant that I had originally wanted to create the post with. I have been terrible about updating my Facebook page, since my Daddy died, and I am sorry for that. I do promise you that I am planning on changing that very soon. It was partially due to the depression I was experiencing over losing my dad, and partially because life was hectic. It is funny how having Gigi start school, made life so much busier, when I thought I would have so much more down time. Do not get me wrong, I took plenty of naps during her Kindergarten year, but I also did a lot more than I usually did, and it was a huge adjustment for all of us. 

Towards the end of the year, Gigi was having some health issues, and we were very busy with doctor visits, and just taking days off to help her feel better, that I was stretched thin. Getting her better is still something we are working on. She is seeing an endocrinologist and a Gastroenterology specialist, and we are working on getting her back to pristine health. It was particularly stressful at the very end of her school year, and I was so laser focused on her and her appointments, that I really could not be bothered with anything else. So, when I fell in the shower, and my leg hurt afterward, I decided it was just a fall, and I did not have time to worry about seeing a doctor. It was apparent a few weeks later, that sometimes, you just need to make time for seeing a doctor.

My doctor told me he felt I had most likely torn my ACL, but he wanted to try a few things, before rushing to that conclusion and an MRI. So, I went onto bed rest, no lifting, icing it regularly, and just trying to give it a chance to heal. Something I should have done from the beginning, rather than running around trying to do all the things. It only got worse, and it was really becoming bothersome. So, I made an appointment for when my doctor was back from a short vacation, and just tried to survive. Unfortunately, my knee started bothering me more, and not just pain, but it started popping and giving out. I went to the ER, to try to get some help, but all they wanted to do was shove pain medication into my system, and tell me I had most likely torn something. 

I was frustrated, and told them I had pain medication at home, and what I needed were answers and solutions, not a band aid. I have never begged so hard in my life for answers, but they were adamant, that I was not about to die, I just needed to take pain medication regularly and push through. They said my insurance would use the excuse the an MRI is not an emergency exam, and they would not get paid. Meanwhile, I was barely able to walk, I was in excruciating pain, my leg was swelling, and I was not handling any of it well. Not to mention, I was struggling to not fall, and was becoming quite a danger to myself, and was convinced I was going to fall and break my neck. 

I didn't, thankfully, my neck is still in tact. I did however fall, and firemen and paramedics had to lift me off the ground, and take me to the emergency room. I hurt my knee further, and it became more swollen, but most unfortunately, I also split my hernia open a lot more. They could tell from the CT, that I had made it quite bigger, and would now need intervention. Again, they just wanted to fill me full of pain medication and send me home to cope, until my doctor could get me in for an MRI. 

My hernia became quite the problem, and at one point, I could not get my insides back inside, and ended up back in the ER in a panic. My insides returned to the inside of my body, and they again offered to pump me full of pain medication, and got angry when I declined, and then sent me home. By the next day, after another mini fall and several times of my insides being stubborn about staying inside, I became determined to get my knee fixed. We went to three emergency rooms, and honestly, I hope I never need to be in one again ever. Each one complained about insurance companies being finicky about paying for MRIs, and offered to pump me full of pain medication, and two even lectured and chastised me for not taking my prescribed pain medication much more often. They did not even care that I have valid reasons for not wanting to take them. 

The whole process really ruined my view of the medical system, and caused me to think that the concern over the opioid crisis is fake. If there was such concern, why were they trying to force them down my veins, and why was their anger over my refusal of the medication, and the fact that I do not take my prescribed medication much more often!? I am telling you, I am very heartbroken over this all. In the end, my doctor returned from vacation, and he got me in for an MRI immediately, and told me to talk to the On-Call Doctor next time. I wish I had thought of that.

So, I have a torn Meniscus, and will be seeing the orthopedic specialist on  July 15th, to set up surgery to fix it. Once that is fixed, I will be getting surgery to fix my hernia, and keep my insides on the inside. I am especially excited for that one. I have had this hernia for years, and it really never bothered me much, but since tearing it open more, and my insides now venturing outside frequently, I cannot wait to just get rid of it. 

2. This is random, and probably not very interesting, but it is something that I think is interesting about the last year of my life. Last March, I sat in on a Facebook live with Michelle (Juicebox Confessions) and Madelyn (Under the Momfluence), and they talked about Fresh Apparel for a bit. Michelle had shown off some mugs/cups from Fresh Apparel over the previous months, and I loved them. So, of course I followed the page, and enjoyed looking at all their cute graphic tees. Most fit mom life so perfectly, and just simply life, that I secretly hoped to wear them one day. I never actually tried to order, because I just assumed they would not have bigger sizes, and if they did, they would cost an arm and a leg. Well, during the live, I discovered that the owner of Fresh Apparel (Amanda) works hard to be a very inclusive brand, and she also doesn't overcharge at all. So, I made an order, and I was hooked. The clothes are amazing, the cups and mugs are fabulous, and just everything about the brand is wonderful. I fell in love with the Insiders group (a group that huge fans of the brand hang out and get access to sales first and overall just talk and support one another), and I even applied to be a Brand Rep for a season. I was shocked that I was chosen to be a rep, but honestly, I would spread the word about FA whether I were a rep or not, simply because I genuinely love the brand and the merchandise. So, of course, me putting myself out there and applying to be a brand rep was weird, but there is more.

If you are linked to me on Facebook, or if you have paid attention to my most recent posts on my Facebook page, you may have noticed a change in me. I am more colorful. I wear colorful clothing now. I mean, I even own some tie dye pieces. I know. So. Very. Weird. There is even pink in my closet! I realized a few months back, that Fresh Apparel has brought me way outside my neutral/black/brown/gray/navy/beige comfort zone. Actually, I am sitting in shorts, as I type this. Shorts that I LOVE. Also, I recently bought dresses, and I wear and love them. I know. So incredibly weird. I love it though. I truly do. I love the clothes, they are comfortable, and I actually enjoy the color in my life. So weird how much a person's tastes can change in a year. In fact, I just applied to be a brand rep for another season. They haven't announced the chosen reps yet, but my fingers are crossed. 

Just two side notes... They have frequent sales, that are awesome, and if you even want to order, let me know! I will find the current discount code for you! Also, if you want to join a group of really amazing moms (and a few cool dads), and be in a supportive and fun environment, search for Fresh Apparel Insiders on Facebook, and join the group! 

3. Since my Daddy died in September, I have been taking many trips down memory lane. I have been thinking about things, I had not thought about in years. I was sudden clinging to every memory I could think of. I actually considered starting a Facebook group, for my family and friends, who knew my dad, and just have a place where we could all share memories of him. Mostly because I want to remember as much as I could. I used to imagine that once my Daddy died, I would write a long blog post, venting about him. About all these things I spent years dwelling on, and the moment I found out he was gone, those things were the furthest things from my mind. All of a sudden, I was focused on all the good and funny things, and I realized there was so much goodness. I really stole the last years my dad was alive, away from myself, because we could have been even closer, had I not been so focused on negative things in my head.

Gigi always asks me to tell her things from my childhood, so I am always trying to think of things to tell her, and since September, that has been particularly bittersweet. Recently, I was talking to her about how lucky she is. We really do cater to her, when it comes to her eating, and we do our best to accommodate her likes. She asked why she was so lucky. I told her when I was growing up, I had two options... Eat whatever my dad served me or starve. In reality, it was really only one option, because my Daddy was not a fan of food not getting eaten, so I realized really quickly, the best thing to do was to just eat. Now, I will tell you, that I was lucky. My Daddy made delicious food. He could truly cook so well, and I wish I had inherited that ability. 

Now, recently I told Gigi how sometimes dishes would have weird names. Poop on a shingle or Birds in a nest or brains and eggs, and we giggled at the names. I explained the dishes to her, and then I explained to her, that growing up I would always giggle when my dad would make brains and eggs. I thought it was such a funny name. Once I was older, I discovered it wasn't a silly name, it was an accurate name. It really was brains scrambled with eggs. I think I am still traumatized. I remember it was a delicious meal, and my Dad really enjoyed it, and I just figured it was some funny name he came up with, based on how scrambled eggs look. Since I had no real option, but to eat what he made me, I think it is truly best I did not learn the truth until I was much older. So, now you know the weirdest thing I have ever eaten.

4. If you have kids in your life, or if you pay even just slight attention to what is going on with kids these days, you know that slime is popular. Not just slime, like the little jars of noise putty/slime, we would buy as kids, but making slime. I immediately banned slime from our house, when I heard of the fad. That was that. I hear slime, and I think huge mess. So, that would be a hard pass. Well, Gigi has become obsessed with the lady named Doctor Squish on YouTube. I am very picky about what YouTube she is allowed to watch, and she is forbidden to watch many of the more popular channels, but somehow Doctor Squish made the cut. She is obsessed with squishy toys, and Gigi happens to love them, so I let her watch this lady. She does this thing, where she will show you a squish toy, critique it, and then cut it open, to see what is inside making it squishy. Gigi and I actually enjoy trying to guess the insides correctly. She also loves making slime. After watching enough of her videos, I was actually open to slime being in our house. We have strict rules about where the slime can be played with, and I limit the amount of slime in the house at any given time, but I have actually had fun making slime with Gigi. I know... Who am I, and where is the old Jules?! 

5. I am having anxiety lately, because we have had a very boring/relaxed Summer. My knee injury has really been a curve ball. I am on bed rest, and I have been in so much pain, that I have really been miserable. Plus, I have had so many doctor appointments. So, it isn't until now, that I am actually going to start doing Summer workbooks with Gigi, and I am so nervous. I am not sure why. I think part of it, is that I have enjoyed our down time somewhat, and that is going to be much less for the rest of Summer, but part of it is that I am scared I am going to really be terrible at teaching her. I tried teaching her to write her name and stuff, before Kindergarten, and I failed. I was worried she would struggle in school, and nope. She did great in school. I was just a terrible teacher. So, now it is time for me to do workbooks with her, and I am nervous. I keep telling myself it will just be like doing homework with her. I hope I am right. If I am wrong, there may be a vent post in the future, about how terrible I am as a teacher, and how great it is that I did not follow that career path. 

6. My Dad's house number was 633. Since he passed away, I frequently look at the clock, and find that it is 6:33 am/pm. It makes a feeling of peace wash over me. I have also run into the number in other random places as well. Maybe it is just one big coincidence, but I am a firm believer that our loved ones can send us messages/signs. So, in my mind, it means he is watching over us. 

7. I went to live with my Dad when I was four. I started having chores immediately. Before I was six, I was doing laundry all by myself. All the steps... Sorting, putting into the washer, putting in the detergent and turning on the washer, removing the clothes from the washer, carrying them outside and hanging them on the clothesline, bringing the clothes in, folding, putting them away. I even did the dishes all by myself, even the knives. Gigi just turned six and she has no real, set in stone chores. I still have the yellow stool I used, to be able to put the clothes into, and take the clothes out of the washing machine. So, I am going to give Gigi official chores. I am still working on what chores to give her. I know one of them won't be doing the laundry all by herself, but I do think she can help fold. I also think she should be capable of putting her clothes into her own drawers. She helps out already, probably not as much as she should (especially in regards to picking up her own toys), but I think it is time to make it more official. There is this small part of me, that cannot wait to figure out a chore to give her, where she will need to use the yellow stool. My yellow stool. I am thinking maybe she can clean the table off after meals, and since we have a taller than normal table, the stool may just be the best way for her to reach the entire table surface. I really want to do a magnetic chore chart, even if it is just a piece of paper, we hang on the fridge with magnets. So, I am going to make a post on my Facebook page some time this week, about chores and chore charts. If you have some great advice or a great system, please chime in, when you see my post. Yes, I know it is ridiculous that she is six and doesn't have official chores yet. She has just always been a really good helper, that I never did anything official. I just know that with my knee hurt, and the increase in homework that comes with first grade, and just life in general, we will be needing more help from her, and I think doing it in a structured manner is going to be the most successful approach. How old were you when you started chores?

8. I have an irrational fear of a snake crawling up into the toilet, while I am using the restroom. So, I frequently look down into the toilet, while I am going potty. I know it is random and weird, and I have no idea what caused this fear, but I have had it for as long as I can remember. 

9. When I was about eleven years old, I stole a jar of nail polish from Walmart. I do not think I have ever told anyone this. Well, I have never forgiven myself, and I often think about it, and will lecture myself about being an idiot. It was so stupid. I did not even use the polish. My friends and their mom, had brought me to Walmart with them. I was walking around carrying it, and was trying to work up the nerve to ask their mom to buy it for me, and tell her I would pay her back, after I did some extra chores for money. Then they checked out, and I was still holding it, and then I just left with it. I left it in my friend's bedroom, on her dresser. She never said anything about it, and I did see her wearing the color a few weeks later. This is probably one of the hardest things I have had to live with. I have already taught Gigi that we do NOT steal. I plan on continuing to really drive that fact home with her. I don't ever want her to get in trouble, or to feel guilty for the rest of her life. 

10. I love myself, exactly as I am, flaws and all. However, I hate that I am fat. I hate it so much that I often lecture myself in my head about being fat. I say some pretty nasty things to myself. I have never understood how I can love myself so very much, and hate myself so much, at the same time. It is such a weird thing. I think most people do not even realize how much I hate myself for being fat, because I am so confident in myself, and accept and love myself. So, I think it is just another odd coincidence about myself. Lately, it has definitely gotten worse. I worry that I will end up causing Gigi to either be fat or to be obsessed with never getting fat. I just pray that I can teach her, and guide her, into having a confident and healthy self esteem. I want her to genuinely love herself completely, and I want her to be healthy. It is one of my biggest concerns and stresses as a mom. 

Okay. That is enough about me for now. Do not forget to go check out the rest of this month's Blog with Friends posts, and see how each blogger turned "Tell Your Story" into a post!! I am so excited to read them myself. I have been excited ever since this topic was chosen. I will meet you there, I just need to grab a quick refill. I am drinking "Not a Morning Person" from Dark Side Roasters, and I am loving it. I am currently using S'mores creamer, and I give it three stars. It isn't too sweet, so I like that, but it does not really taste like S'mores. Just tastes like I put a couple of spoons of sugar in my coffee, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, since it allows me to really savor the yummy flavor of my DSR coffee.

Find the other Blog with Friend's Posts here:

Karen of Baking In A Tornado

Orange Blueberry Cheesecake

Melissa of My Heartfelt Sentiments

Tell your story! Nobody else can...

Dawn of Spatulas On Parade

The Story of Me

Lydia of Cluttered Genius

Anniversary Memory Book

Tamara of Part-time working hockey Mom

Story Cubes