Simple and Sweet #UseYourWords

Welcome to August's Use Your Words writing challenge. This is how it works: participating bloggers picked four to six words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. Until now.

My words are:

hardwood ~ monster ~ VCR ~ bicycle ~ boys ~ motorcycle

They were submitted by: https://wanderingwebdesigner.com/blog (Thank you for the magnificent words!!)

I am going to keep today's post, as short and sweet as possible. By no means due to the words not inspiring me, but possibly because they inspire me so much. If I wrote everything these words brought to mind, I would probably spend hours at my computer crying, and not all sad tears. 

The very first vision I saw in my mind, when I read these words, were my cousins and I running along the hardwood, wrap around porch, at my Uncle Ricky and Aunt Jackie's house. The boys would chase the girls. The girls would chase the boys. We would all take turns sitting on Uncle Ricky's motorcycle, while everyone else made sure no adults were coming. We would play monster games, cops and robbers games, tag, taking turns riding on the bicycles, hide and go seek, and just plain had fun. 

We are all growing older and memories fade, and things change, and people go away, and others pass on. Life changes. Journeys take us elsewhere. I think it is beautiful, that in our minds, we can revisit days long gone. Memories nearly forgotten, and just reminisce in their purity. Enjoy the unbridled joy that they bring us.

In so many ways, those were the best days of my life. I was loved. I was safe. I was surrounded by family. I had my Daddy. I had fun. I laughed. People loved me. Of course, my cousins and I did not always show that love, but let someone else mess with any of us, and see what happened. Trust me, we loved each other, no matter how much we annoyed one another.

I really grew up with my second cousins. My dad did not have me until he was forty. By then my first cousins, had kids my age. As was custom, I did not just walk around calling my older adult, first cousins by their name. They were Uncle Ricky and Aunt Jackie. I knew they were my cousins, but there was a respect there, due to the difference in age. I am an adult now, and they are still Uncle Ricky and Aunt Jackie. 

Their kids have kids, and they are growing up, just like we did. Loved, safe, and together. I hope they enjoy these days. Before long they will be gone. People will be gone. Memories will be faded. The important things will be distorted. At least, I know they will never, ever forget the love. I can close my eyes, and still feel it wrap around me. All the love I was shown. That kind of love, it can never be forgotten. 

I wish I had our old VCR, and all the VCR tapes. I would love to spend hours and hours just watching those days. I remember thinking how silly it was to film everything, and now I would give anything to have those tapes. Those visual memories, to sit, and help sharpen my mental memories. Those were the days. We have advanced so much, but those simpler days.... Those were the days. Simple, sweet, perfect.

I wish I could go back, and tell younger me, to really  soak in and enjoy those days. Focus on all the good, because there is SO MUCH good, and let the bad go. I grew up, and I spent years focused on the bad, and looking back now, I see those were not the important parts. It was all the good, that deserved focus and remembering. At least I remember them now. A bit too late, as it had a huge impact on my relationship with my Daddy, and I would love to change that. I would love to redo it, letting all that good, be what had the impact on our relationship, especially in the final years.

Links to the other “Use Your Words” posts:

Baking In A Tornado

Wandering Web Designer

Spatulas on Parade

On the Border

Climaxed     

Part-time Working Hockey Mom

B to the BBB #UseYourWords

Welcome to July's Use Your Words blogging challenge. This is how it works: participating bloggers picked four to six words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That is the challenge, here is a fun twist; no one who is participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. Until now.

My words are: 

bump ~ burp ~ bury ~ bundle ~ best

They were submitted by: https://Bakinginatornado.com (Brilliant job, Karen!!)

I read my words, and then I read them again, and then once more for good measure. I decided Karen must have been in a bubbly mood, or possibly a bitchy mood, or maybe even just bewildered, when she submitted this months words. Whatever the mood, she definitely have b on her mind. I am not sure why, but my mind instantly went to using all the words in one sentence.

I thought it over, and figured I had done that before, so I needed to do something differently. I thought it might be best, to just give y'all an update, but nothing too exciting has happened. The recent earthquakes, that made cracks in the ground, did not come to our yard. There were no mudslides to bury houses or cars. I may have a bump, but it is not because their is a bundle on the way. I am definitely just fat. Let's face it, none of you, even want to spend a minute, reading about my most recent burp. It was not long, before I was back to the one sentence idea.

So, I switched it up. I sent the words to a few friends. I asked them to use the words in one sentence. I said they could do two sentences, if absolutely necessary, but most importantly, I just needed every word used. I told them it could make sense or no sense at all. I told them it could be funny or serious or weird or anything they wanted it to be. Just to use every word and send their sentence to me. 

I wanted to see what sentences a small group of people would come up with, when given the same group of words to use. So, here are the results....

Me: I do my best to stifle my burp, as I quietly bury my head in my books, trying not to bother anyone, or bump into anyone or thing, as I carry my bundle of books to the checkout counter.

KofKC: Bundle is the best bump starter in all of BurpBury Land!!!

TRizzo: Today was horrible, I woke up , got out of bed and walked into the bathroom only to bump my hip on the vanity. I wasn't feeling the whole coffee thing so I drank a soda which brought on a humongous burp which woke up my hubby. We both realized my child's bird had died and wrapped it in a bundle of cloth, placed it in a box and took it out to bury it. Our child was so upset, but we told her the bird was very old and it was for the best.

TC: You better not bump into me, and tell me it is best if we bury our noses in books, while you burp and bundle yourself up in self-doubt.

AuntieNR: Careful not to bump an animal while driving, you'll have to bundle it up and bury it. Don't let a burp out, try to be at your best behaviour.

HUZ: With a burp he settled in, doing his best to bury the bundle so not even a bump showed above the turf.

I want to thank Karen, for such a beautiful bounty of words. I also want to thank my friends who played along and helped me out. It truly is interesting, to see the differences and similarities, in what people come up with, when presented with the same group of words. What sentence would you make with these words?

Do not forget to check out the rest of this month's Use Your Words posts! I will meet you there, but first coffee. Today is going to be a long day. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!! 

Links to the other “Use Your Words” posts:

Baking In A Tornado

Wandering Web Designer

Spatulas on Parade

On the Border

Bookworm in the Kitchen

Part-time Working Hockey Mom

Climaxed

Summer Frame of Mind #UseYourWords

Welcome to June's Use Your Words challenge. This is how it works: participating bloggers picked four to six words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That is the challenge, here is a fun twist; no one who is participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. Until now.

My words are: 

smoke ~ freedom ~ teeter ~ friends ~ food

It was submitted by: https://dlt-lifeontheranch.blogspot.com/

Do you remember being a kid, getting out of school for Summer, and the feeling of freedom that energized your soul?! Yes, you missed your friends, but if you were lucky, you would see the important ones during the Summer. Eventually, you were get onto Summer hours, and your brain would teeter between knowing what day it was, and falling into a abyss of playing and television, where you could not remember the day or time. School would start back before you knew it, but you would always have those Summer memories, at least until you hit your thirties and forties, and struggle to remember what you eat for breakfast.

I am now a mom. Summer is something different entirely. Something completely and totally different. I know I should be enjoying every single minute of it, because school will take up so much of Gigi's time now, and our Summers will be precious, and the memories important. Yes, I know this. However, I am torn between trying harder to enjoy it, counting down the days until she goes back, and simply sending up smoke signals so I can be rescued. More than once, I have wondered if I will survive this Summer. I am not sure if the odds are in my favor or not. I will say, if Gigi asks me for food one more time today, I may not survive. How much can one five year old possibly eat? Like, seriously, did someone install a bottomless pit in her stomach?! Where does it all go?! 

When I was a kid, I spent my Summers happy to be out of school, while simultaneously feeling impatient for school to start again. I loved school. I also probably hated it a little bit. I definitely loved learning. I am quite happy that Gigi has already asked several times when school starts again. I am happy to know she enjoys school. She also gets excited that she has more Summer left. Soon after, she asks for another snack, and that is my life lately.

I am on bed rest, because I tore my ACL slightly. Hopefully, it heals up, and I will be back to normal soon. My normal is all that much better than bed rest, but at least it isn't bed rest. UGH! I am trying hard to just let my body heal and get myself back to where I was just a few years ago. My doctor is retiring in July, and I am honestly heartbroken. I LOVE my doctor. He is absolutely amazing. Hands down the best primary doctor I have ever had. I have already picked my new doctor, and I am hopeful, though I doubt anyone will ever top my current doctor. I recently lost my Oncologist as well. Unfortunately, he passed away. It really tore me up emotionally, because he was an amazing doctor, and an amazing soul. I have been blessed since moving to California, with some wonderful doctors.

Gigi goes to her ENT today, and I am very curious to see what happens. I am curious if he will want to put new tubes in for her, go ahead with the sinus surgery, or just wait and see what happens naturally. I am praying that whatever is done, is successful, and leads to a healthy future. She will be returning to her Endocrinology specialist soon, and has to see her Gastroenterology specialist soon as well. I am just hoping everything gets sorted out, and next school year, she is much healthier than this past year. We had a rough year all around, and honestly, I think she did really well, considering all she went through. I am proud of her.

So, between medical appointments, I hope to have some fun with her. My knee injury is putting this on hold, but if all goes well, I will be to good by the end of next week. Which is good. It will be in time for Gigi's sixth birthday, and her paint party. Can you believe she is six?! Six years old. Nope. Does not seem possible to me yet. No way am I the mom of a first grader. I just gave birth to her yesterday. I just held her for the first time, and said I love you to her sweet little face. I am certain that was just yesterday, so she cannot possible be turning six. Only she is. My baby, my teeny tiny baby, is six years old, and no longer teeny tiny. 

Please excuse me, while I go cool down with an Otterpop, and cry sad mom tears, right after I get Gigi another snack. I mean, it has been a whole thirty minutes since she last ate, I am sure she will be here, to tell me she is "starving" any second now. 

Now, tell me, what are you doing for the Summer?! Any big plans?! Playing it normal?! Let me know.

Don't forget to go check out the rest of this month's Use Your Words posts. I will meet you right there, after I get another iced cold Powerade. I cannot drink enough, since our heatwave hit. I even gave up and turned on the air conditioner.

Links to the other “Use Your Words” posts:

Baking In A Tornado

Wandering Web Designer

Cognitive Script

On the Border

Bookworm in the Kitchen

Part-time Working Hockey Mom

Follow me home

Climaxed

Rambling Outlet #UseYourWords

Welcome to May's Use Your Words round-up! This is how it works: participating bloggers chose four to six words or short phrases for another blogger to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That is the challenge, here is a fun twist; no one who is participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. Until now.

My words are: 

coffee ~ drawing ~ outlet ~ infrastructure ~ voice ~ performative

It was submitted by: https://climaxedtheblog.blogspot.com (Thank you, Jenniy, for such thought provoking words and the wonderful discussions we have had recently!! Also, coffee. <3)

This is going to be one of those posts, where I just ramble on and on, and hopefully you follow along, and maybe you don't, but in the end at least I got stuff off my chest. Not the best type of post, but probably the exact post I need to make at the moment. I have so much on my mind lately, and this blog is probably my best outlet for my thoughts and emotions. When I was younger, my biggest outlet for my thoughts and emotions, was art, and it was definitely my happy place. I don't care if I was drawing on random scraps of paper, painting on canvas, experimenting with charcoal, or attempting to create a 3D art piece, I was definitely in my happy zone. I spent every possible moment of my senior year, in the art room. 

These days, I would definitely say that art has taken a backseat in my life, and reading and writing has become my thing. I know part of it, is because art supplies are expensive, and I could never justify the spending, when really I would just be doing it to get my mind to calm and my thoughts to sort themselves and simmer down. I definitely think I spent my teens and twenties using my art in place of my voice, on many occasions. These days, I use written word to be my voice, and I am not sure if the irony is rich or just sad. When I was younger, I was not scared to voice my thoughts and opinions, but I think I felt like my art shared it better than my words ever could. These days, I am still not all that scared to voice my opinions, but I am more cautious and conscientious of potential consequences, and so I often just write out my feelings. 

One definite irony to my current method, is that the vast majority of the stuff I write, where I voice my feelings and thoughts, is never even read by anyone other than myself. I guess it really does not matter who hears or reads what I have to say, just as long as I say it, and get it off my chest. Most of the time, it comes out in the form of poetry. Sometimes, it is in the form of a blog post or a Facebook status. I do sometimes tweet out my thoughts, though that does not happen all that often. I have become more aware lately, of the importance of me getting things off my chest, and I have also become aware of the potential consequences of speaking out, and I had even created a completely anonymous blog, so that I could just say anything and everything. It never really developed into anything, though I have been thinking about trying to make it work again lately, as I notice more and more, the impact stress is having on me physically.

The main reason I basically abandoned the anonymous blog, is because I feel like if I have something to say, and I choose to say it, I should stand behind my words one hundred percent. I really did not want to say anything too crazy in blog posts, but I definitely wanted to be less edited. This is my blog, and I can write anything I want, and I do, but often I find myself holding back some. Sometimes, it is simply by not adding in swear words that I think in my head, and other times it is by writing an entire post on a subject, and then simply never publishing the post. I do not mind being controversial, but at the same time, I want my blog to be a peaceful place. These days, it seems like when controversy strikes on the Internet, it can grow out of control quickly, and I really want to avoid that on my blog.

A good example of this, is something that happened to me recently. It seems like everyone wants to be YouTube famous these days. I know that is a terrible generalization, and that the number of people who could care less about being YouTube famous, far outnumbers those who want it. It is just undeniable that people are often hungry for recognition, and trying to be the one with the video that goes viral. Sometimes, that comes in the form of actions that I find to be terrible. A good example of this, is the videos you see of someone who obviously needs help, and yet people are more worried about getting the incident on film, than on helping. 

Another thing you will often see are pranks. Sometimes, I feel the pranks go too far. I know some people have even gotten in actual legal trouble over stuff done in videos, and I am grateful for that. Sometimes, the pranks seem harmless enough, but if you look at the bigger picture, it is not as harmless as one may hope. Recently, on an episode of Live PD (A show on A&E, which is similar to COPS, but just live), one such prank happened. As I was watching the guy interact with the police, I remember thinking... This cannot be real. This has to be a joke. I was also very worried for the guy. I was thinking, either he is on some hidden camera show, or he is mentally unstable and possibly a danger to himself/others.

The next day, I found out that it was a YouTube star, and he was filming a prank video. He purposely stalked the area where he knew the Live PD officers were filming, and did everything he could, within a reasonable level of wrong, to get pulled over, and then he put on quite a show for the Live PD cameras. Of course, his followers knew what he was doing, but for those of us who had no clue who he was, it was quite the confusing segment, and many of us were genuinely concerned for him. It was actually a relief to find out it was just a YouTuber doing a prank. 

I did not find it funny, because I guess I have zero sense of humor. However, after thinking about it for a few minutes, I actually was a bit upset with him. He wasted the time of those officers, and did it all in hopes of going viral and growing his YouTube fame and success. The more I thought about it, the more I felt what he did may have been a simple prank, but it was also just plain wrong. So, I commented on his video of the prank, saying I hope he gets in trouble, so he can learn a lesson, and that I think he should be fined. I wrote the comment, in hopes he would read it, and realize that not everyone felt he was funny, and to let him know that he deserved to be punished for his prank.

I also hoped that if he had not taken a moment, to realize that his prank really was a waste of valuable manpower, my comment may make him think on it. I have no clue if he read my comment, but I can tell you that his fans read it. They did not waste any time before jumping down my throat. So many assumptions were made, as were some downright hateful comments. I was called a racist. I was called a cop lover. I was called various horrible names. I was accused of being a horrible parent. I was told multiple times to kill myself. I was blown away by the absolute level of hatred that was unleashed on me. I was grateful that I am as strong as I am emotionally, and not some young kid feeling lost and alone. I could see how many of the comments could negatively impact a person's well being, particularly their metal well being. It was then, that I decided YouTube really is a horrid place.

Not that I owed anyone an explanation or a reason, but I did reply to many of the first comments, but then I eventually just quit even reading the comments. One of the very first comments was someone calling me a racist. I still really do not even understand what their thought process was, that brought them to this conclusion. Considering I am a "white" person, and I wanted the guy in the video, also a "white" person to be in trouble for his prank. There were no other races involved, so how was race even a factor in the situation at all?

I simply told that guy.... My own child is black, so please get out of here with your ignorant assumptions. I really wanted to add on, asking how they even felt the need to bring race into it at all, but honestly I did not want to drag out any communications longer than necessary. Of course, saying that opened me up to a bunch of people making racist comments to me. Racism and my daughter are definitely subjects that I am most sensitive about, but I just reminded myself that these were ignorant people on the Internet, and I moved on. 

It blew my mind, that many of the people who were commenting and insulting me, were also saying that I needed to get a life and lighten up. They said that if I had a sense of humor, I would realize that it was such a funny segment. I do not find it funny. I know all too well what a difference a few seconds can make, in certain situations. I told them that they were laughing now, but that if their loved one needed the help of an officer, and the closest officers were being kept busy by someone doing a prank for YouTube, so the second closest officers had to rush to help their loved ones, but did not arrive in time, they would be the first ones to be outraged. Nobody should ever waste the time of cops, firemen, or paramedics. Not ever. In emergencies, every second can be the difference between life and death. No Internet fame is worth more than a human life.

I do consider myself an ally. I am not just an ally to certain groups of people. I feel like I am an ally to everyone. Well, everyone except for racists and rapists. Fuck you, assholes. You may need allies, but I am not the one. Bye. Anyway, I am not just someone who says I am an ally, and then when situations arise where I need to stand up, I don't because of the negative backlash I may face. No. I am not a performative ally. I am a genuine ally. If you are transgender, and you need someone at your side on Capitol Hill, to fight against a law that wants to deny you your basic rights... I am there. If you are black and there is a group of KKK members harassing you, and I am walking by... Do not worry. I will not keep walking. I will stop and be in front of you. If they are going to hurt you, they will have to go through me first. If you are a Jewish person, and you are being harassed, you can bet your butt that I have your back, and you are not alone. 

I simply won't stand for hate. I will not tolerate it. We cannot tolerate it. If we do, it will win, and we cannot let hate win. We cannot let hate take over our world. We cannot stand up for what we "believe" in, but only when it is easy and does not cost us anything. We must always stand for it. If we are an ally, we need to really be an ally. I have been told more than once, that I am going to die one day, for standing up to someone who ends up being violent. I always say the same thing... That is okay. I died doing the right thing. I would rather die fighting for what I believe in, than to live forever, watching hate destroy everything I believe in.

Plus, if I am honest, I don't understand how I could not be an ally to the LGBTQ community. It is my community. How can I not support the community as a whole?! I am asking this genuinely, because it was recently brought to my attention, that a certain makeup artist, who is obviously a member of the LGBTQ community, has actually spewed hate against a branch of the community. How?! Talk about confusing nonsense. I was a lesbian for many years. I was older when I finally genuinely liked a guy. I had had a few "boyfriends", but they never went very deep in the connection. I was always a woman who loved women. Period. After I was an adult, I met a guy that I actually liked on a very deep level. That is when my "label" changed. I honestly do not label myself. I honestly don't see a need for a label. I feel like my sexuality does not need to be announced or explained. I am just me. I love who I love. That is that.

I have never hidden my sexuality. In many ways, I have always felt like I wore it on my sleeve. It is not my fault that people have not properly figured it out, and I have never felt the need to correct people who assume wrongly. I figure that people will figure it out eventually, and it really does not matter anyway, so why waste time on the subject?! That being said, I would never deny my sexuality either. If I were ever asked by anyone, even someone I know would hate me, I would speak the absolute truth, and stand proud for who and what I am. Period.

So, lately, I have been planning out blog posts I want to write. Some of them may never even get posted, but they will most certainly get written, if for no other reason than I need to get it off my chest. Also, I often write blog posts in my head, and never actually write them out, but some of them, I feel would actually be really good posts. I should get better at writing those down. Others, I am sure you would all be grateful that I do not actually take the time to sit down, and write down all the thoughts I had, while I was mentally drafting the blog post.

A good example of that, happened this week. Gigi was recently diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism by her doctor, and was referred over to a Endocrinologist. That is all good, except for the fact that will take weeks for her to actually get into the doctor, and she has symptoms that are bothering her now. After a lengthy call with her future Endocrinologist's office, I was told that we needed to bring Gigi into the ER. Sadly, the ER that was associated with her doctor was two hours away. When it comes to Gigi and her health, I will drive any distance necessary. So, that is why I ended up on a road trip with Chad and Gigi on Tuesday. I am hoping that by tomorrow night, she has improved a lot, and that by Monday she is back to good. Unfortunately, if she doesn't improve quite a bit by tomorrow, we will be back in the ER on Saturday. That was when the doctor wanted to see big improvement by. So, if you pray, and want to send some her way, I know Gigi would appreciate it.

Now, back to blogs you would be glad I did not actually type out. On our way home on Tuesday, I mentally drafted a blog post. I wanted to rant about the road and highway infrastructure here in California, and how it not only needs massive improvements, but that I would love a detailed explanation. The roads are absolutely terrible here, and yet we pay sky high taxes, and often pay extra, with the very purpose of bettering our highway and railway infrastructure. Something tells me that the money cannot possibly be used properly. If it were, I cannot imagine our roads and highways would be as terrible as they are. Something definitely needs to change, because I have traveled on roads all around the United States, and the ones here are by far the worst. Amazing views but terrible highways.

I mentally drafted a post earlier today, and I got sidetracked with caring for Gigi and raging against the post office, for the mishandling of my package, but I still may actually write this post. It was about coffee. You're not surprised are you? I know, I am predictable. I was just waiting for a delivery from Dark Side Roasters, and I started thinking about writing a post, to tell you about my favorite coffees. I am loving several that DSR offers, plus I have favorites from a few other brands. My post about coffee quickly became a post about small shops. I thought I would highlight my favorite small shops to buy from, and what items I love the most from each shop. I do not know if the post will ever get written, but it just might. 

I told you I was going to ramble, and I certainly did not let you down. I did exactly what I said I would. I do not know whether to say you're welcome or I am sorry. Maybe both? I will tell you that you may start getting more of my rambling posts, because one of the main reasons I started this blog, was so I would have a place to voice my feelings and thoughts, so I would not go insane from holding it all in. Gigi was a baby, and I was overwhelmed. Now, she is about to graduate Kindergarten, and I am still overwhelmed. In some ways, I hope that never changes. In other ways, I could use a break. Maybe that break will come in the form of more rambling blogs, so I can get more of my thoughts out into the world.

I promise to try to focus more on things like coffee and awesome shirts and magical cups, and less on the highway conditions in California. In the meantime, you should definitely get yourself a drink, get comfy, and go read the rest of this month's Use Your Words posts! I will see you there, right after I get a fresh cup of coffee, and make sure Gigi does not need anything. Fingers crossed we do not have to return to the hospital, especially since the road we take to get there is horrendous. 

Links to the other “Use Your Words” posts:

Baking In A Tornado

Wandering Web Designer

Cognitive Script

On the Border

Southern Belle Charm

Bookworm in the Kitchen

Follow Me Home

Part-time Working Hockey Mom

Climaxed

A Woman's Strength #UseYourWords

Welcome to April's Use Your Words blogging challenge. This is how it works: participating bloggers picked four to six words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That is the challenge, here is a fun twist; no one who is participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. Until now.

My words are:

power ~ woman ~ strength ~ endurance ~ forever ~ trials

It was submitted by: https://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/ (Stacy, these words were AWESOME!! Thank you!!)

One thing, that I have heard a lot, especially these last few years, is that I have so much strength and endurance. Not necessarily physical strength and endurance *points to the cane I utilize so I cut back on the number of times I fall*, but strength of mind and endurance of life trials. When I was younger, I heard about a different kind of strength. I was so strong and powerful for a woman/girl. As annoyed as I would get at those comments, I wish I were still hearing them. I wish I could hear them forever. I wish I had never lost that physical strength, and I wish I had appreciated it more, and taken it for granted a lot less. 

I just want to start by saying.... I really hate stereotypes, especially ones based on gender. I hate women being thought of as weak and men as strong, simply because of their gender. I know some strong women. I know some weak men. I know people of all different abilities. I have seen weak people become strong, and vice versa. So, I really wish that stereotype would stop. Really, I have zero use for any stereotypes. For pretty much every stereotype that exists, I have met at least one person, that proves it to be false. So, why do we keep stringing them along through the generations?!

Who knows. I am the last person to ask about why things are the way they are. I often struggle to grasp why things are happening as they are, or why people aren't stopping certain things, and are allowing other things to happen. I am honest so darn clueless. I am also not some super human. Have I endured a lot of trials? Sure. Have I survived them all? Yep. Am I strong because of it? Pretty much. Guess what?! I am pretty sure the same would be true about anyone reading this. I think we can all handle way more than we ever give ourselves credit for. They say we don't know how strong we are, until we are forced to be strong. I agree.

As a high school kid, had you told me I would one day be thirty-six with two angels in Heaven, a stubborn five year old, and no other kids happening ever... I would have told you NO WAY! First of all, I never thought I would lose a child, let alone two, and whenever I thought about losing a child, I thought there was NO WAY I could survive that. I was also convinced I was going to have six or more kids. Not going to lie, I am kinda glad I was wrong on that last part. Could you imagine six Gigis?! I promise you, I am not that strong! LOL That girl keeps me on the toes, the same as six kids, and she is just one little girl. Phew. Five others?! Goodness gracious.

As for my angels in Heaven. It happened and I survived. Barely at times, but I did survive. That is what we do. We survive. We handle it. We push forward. It is just what I have been doing, since my daddy passed in September. I did not want to go forward. I wanted to go back. I wanted him back. I wanted a do over. I wanted to hug him more, and tell him so many things, and make sure he knew I loved him. Life doesn't work that way, though, so you just keep going. I promise everyone who hears about something I have gone through, and thinks... I could never survive that. You could, and you will, if it ever happens to you.

It is funny, because I am not the strong, young kid I once was. No way I could lift weights the way I used to, or play ball the way I once did, or even walk the way I used to. That girl is gone. At least on the outside. On the inside, she is still here. I don't know that she will ever surface again, however, I think she probably would, if Gigi were ever in danger. I am pretty sure I could move mountains for that girl. I may die immediately after, but I would make sure Gigi was fine first. It is the mom in me. Yes, things happened, and my outward strength deteriorated, but my strength of will, is still inside me.

Honestly, I used to be such a ferocious advocate for so many things. These days, I am just a housewife, that tries to push through the day to day, and hopes for a miracle one day. However, occasionally my advocate button gets pressed, and I come out with a mighty roar and just as fierce as ever. I am much more tired afterwards, but not before I speak my peace. It is physically exhausting, but really good for my soul. It reminds me that I am still the same me I was before I got sick. She just does not get to come out as often as before. 

Also, I know I am biased, but men really need to stop saying women are weak. Listen, I was on bed rest for nearly two years. My muscles were done. I was weak. I was sick. I still grew a human being inside of my abdomen, and then with atrophied muscles and all, I pushed her out. All. By. Myself. Without any medicine. I would love to see a man do that. Seriously. I'll wait.

Seriously though, no gender is stronger than the other. We are all awesome. We should all coexist peacefully. Truly. I really hope and wish for that. I am so tired of the hate and judgement and racism and sexism. Tired of it all. I want equality. I want mutual support and admiration. I want respect. Maybe one day.

I do hope a day comes, when a young lady gets told.... Wow. You have so much strength!... They are referring to the strength of her character, and not her ability to carry all the groceries in, in one trip.

Seriously though... Can we all agree?! One trip with groceries or die?! 

Okay. Enough of me rambling on. Get yourself a drink and go check out the rest of the Use Your Words posts.

Links to the other “Use Your Words” posts:

Baking In A Tornado

Wandering Web Designer

Cognitive Script

On the Border

Follow Me Home

The Crazy Mama Llama

Climaxed

Southern Belle Charm

Bookworm in the Kitchen

Stacy Sews and Schools

Never Die Alone #UseYourWords

Welcome to March's Use Your Words challenge. This is how it works: participating bloggers picked four to six words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That is the challenge, here is a fun twist; no one who is participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. Until now.

My words are:

glory ~ days ~ shark ~ attack ~ surf and turf ~ gender fluid

It was submitted by: https://sarahsbrandcrazy.blogspot.com/ (Thank you for such AWESOME words!! We are a family who LOVES sharks, so these words made me smile!!)

When it comes to Use Your Words posts, I really let the words guide me. I just read my words, and then I somehow form a post. Some posts better than others. This month is different. This month, I knew what I was going to write about. I told myself that no matter what words I was given, I was going to write about the topic I selected. Now, I took one look at my words, and realized that I had made a HUGE mistake. However, I am still going to go with it. So, buckle up, because based on these words, this is going to be one helluva ride, trying to use all these words.

Many years ago, not quite my glory days, but not exactly my worst days, I was battling depression, and most days I was winning the war. I remember I was mad at myself, because I had gone through so much worse, and survived, and here I was barely surviving much less hard times. I guess that was probably when I realized depression makes no sense. At least, not to me. I am sure there are people with big degrees, that probably have a pretty good understanding of depression. I have no big degrees, and I really feel like my only understanding about it, is that I do not understand it.

When someone suffers a shark attack, you can see the injuries and the damage that is done. The wounds with depression are invisible, and they cannot be seen. You can easily be sitting right next to someone fighting depression with every cell of their being, and outwardly, they look amazing and wonderful. I was once told that depression was a silent killer, and it does make sense to me. I know personally, the majority of the times I have battled it, the people around me had no idea. I have a really good poker face, at least where depression is concerned. I think my actual poker face is pretty decent also, but I may be biased.

So, back to many years ago... I had an amazing friend that saved my life. If you ask him, and he knew I was okay with him talking about it, I think he would very humbly tell you that he saved my life once. The reality is that he has actually saved my life numerous times. I do not know if that was his original intention, or if it is just a lucky side effect of what he did for me. 

Somehow, I survived Kateri's death. Actually, I say somehow, as if I do not know how I did it, and that is not entirely true. I survived it, because once I reached absolute rock bottom, and I knew I was going to give up and just kill myself, because the pain of losing my child was just too overwhelming, I walked into the emergency room of the local hospital, and I told them I needed help because I was going to kill myself. My memories are fuzzy after that. I remember being brought into a room, laying down on a hospital gurney. I remember just crying. So. Many. Tears. I remember talking to a nurse. I remember a doctor coming in and being told they were getting me a bed in the psychiatric ward and they would help me. I remember them giving me a shot.

My next memory comes five days later, in the wee hours of the morning, waking up to a phlebotomist drawing my blood. She smiled at me, and said she was shocked to see me awake. I made small talk with her. I think I mostly commented on the fact that I was safe and still alive. She told me that she was glad to see me up, and she would send the nurse right in. The nurse came in, and he brought me up to speed. I had been in the hospital five days at that point. They had kept me pretty heavily medicated, because apparently, any time I was not sleeping, I would wake up and just cry hysterically. So, they decided I needed some rest. Considering I could not remember the last time I had really slept, I think they made a wise choice. 

The first thing I did was shower. As I was showering, I let my thoughts and feeling pour over me. I cried. I scrubbed. I just let it all out, and washed it all away. I spent a few weeks there, getting therapy and creating a plan for my life when I got out. Considering I walked in those emergency room doors unable to even imagine a future, I would say that was a good thing. I spent the next few years living, and creating memories. Some good, some bad. Years of memories I never would have had, had I not went into that emergency room.

Eventually, I met my nemesis Depression again, and that time I did not end up in an emergency room. I ended up in my bed, on the phone with my friend Jay. I told him I was so tired of fighting with depression, especially since it made no sense to me. If I could survive losing Kateri, I should really be able to survive anything. During our conversation, he never judged me. He never told me not to kill myself. He did say that he felt killing myself would be a mistake, but that it was my life, and he really had no right to tell me what to do.

The thing he said that saved my life, that time and various other times, was very simple. He made me promise him that anytime I ever decided I was going to kill myself, I would call him first. He was very adamant that I promise him. He knew that I never break a promise, and will go above and beyond to keep one. He explained to me that he would never judge me, so that I did not need to be worried about telling him. He just needed to know, because he did not want me to die alone. He also did not want my body waiting for days or weeks, to be cared for properly. He told me he also wanted a chance, to just ask me if I was certain that I was doing what I REALLY wanted to do. As long as it was what I REALLY wanted, he would accept my choice, and make sure that I died knowing I was not alone and that I was very much loved.

We talked for hours, until we were both exhausted, and then we went to bed, and picked up the conversation the next day. Some time during that next day, I changed my mind, and I told him that this was not the time. He again made me promise, that whenever the time came, I would absolutely call him. I promised. It is a promise I have kept. It is a promise that saved my life. 

It is a promise I recently made a dear friend of mine make to me. He was going through a rough patch, and he scared the crap out of me, and I remember the conversation I had all those years ago, and I said the same thing to him, that Jay had said to me, and I demanded the same promise. I can only hope, that the promise he made me, helps him as much as the promise I made to Jay helped me.

Jay was really on his A game that day. I think more than he even realized. He kept me talking, which I think really helped. He asked me a million questions, and we had a million mini debates. One that sticks out, what our debate about last meals. He wanted to know what I would want my last meal to be, if I could have ANYTHING. I chose wisely. I wanted a fully stocked salad bar, and I just wanted to eat like five huge salads. If you ask me, it is perfection. He however, chose surf and turf, french fries, and cheesecake. Admittedly, I did not like steaks as much then, as I do now, so I was incredibly unimpressed back then. Also, if you are going to have just one type of potato be part of your meal... How do you choose fries over mashed potatoes?!?! Also, cheesecake?! I can think of at least five desserts better than cheesecake. So, suffice it to say, we spent at least an hour debating last meals, and I spent a good portion of that time laughing.

Laughing is a definite good thing, when you are depressed, especially if it is genuine laughter. Yeah, Jay was so on his A Game that day, and I will forever be grateful.

I have battled depression several times over the years, and I can honestly say, I am grateful to report that the thought of suicide has not come up very often. I guess I am just getting better at battling it. However, anytime it has come to mind, I have immediately remembered my promise to Jay. I can honestly tell you, that promise has saved my life. Every. Single. Time. I know, that before I can end my life, I have to call and talk to Jay. Every time that it has come to that point, I have managed to make myself realize, that is not a call I need to make, nor is it one I want to make. Somehow, some way, I muster up the strength necessary to battle on. 

This past December, I found myself pondering a call to Jay. I ended up calling my doctor instead. I reached out and got the help I needed. I am still sad about my dad being gone, but every day I wake up, and every day I battle the sadness, and every day I get a little bit stronger, and feel a little bit better. I still have these moments, where I forget he is gone, and I think about something I need to call and tell him, and then the realization that I cannot call him crashes over me. Those moments are probably the hardest, but I get through them.

If you are reading this, and you are thinking about suicide, I would love to invite you to reach out to me. I promise you, I will not judge you. I will listen. I will offer any advice I am able to. I will help you get help, if you want it. Most importantly, I will make sure you are not alone. Nobody should be alone, when they are making some of the hardest choices a human being can make.

We are all human beings. I do not care if you are white, black,  Asian, deaf, male, tall, fat, short, skinny, gender fluid, French, female, straight, Catholic, trans, medium height, Baptist, queer, or ANY other type of human being.... You deserve to live. You deserve love. You deserve compassion and empathy. You deserve friendship. You deserve all life has to offer. We are ALL humans, and we are ALL worthy of the goodness life has to offer.

We also deserve to have moments of weakness and doubt. We deserve to be sad. We deserve to struggle to process events that happen to us. We deserve to be human. 

So, if you are struggling with depression, please let me be your Jay. Let me help you to make sure that you are not making the wrong choice. Let me support you. Let me be there for you. Let me listen. 

If you are not comfortable with reaching out to me.... Reach out to the person you are comfortable reaching out to. Reach out to your Jay. 

In the end, I hope you choose to stay. If you don't... I promise I won't judge you. I promise I won't hate you. I promise I will love you fiercely and I promise I will talk to you. I choose to believe the ones we love, who are gone from this Earth, can hear us. So, yes, I will talk to you. Yes, I will love you. Yes, I will let you know that it is okay.

Just, please, do not hesitate to reach out to me. I am here for you, even if I do not know you. Knowing you does not mean anything to me. I know you are a human. I know you are worthy. That is all that matters.

Please, do not forget to check out the rest of this month's Use Your Words posts. I will meet you there, right after I get more coffee. These days, I seem to need all the coffee and then some. 

Links to the other “Use Your Words” posts:

Baking In A Tornado

Wandering Web Designer

Cognitive Script

Southern Belle Charm

On the Border

My Brand of Crazy

Part-time Working Hockey Mom

Climaxed

Follow Me Home