Friday, September 14, 2018

Sordid Tale #UseYourWords

Today’s post is September's Use Your Words project. This is how it works: participating bloggers picked four to six words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. Until now.

My words are:
sordid ~ envelope ~ body ~ opera ~ wait in line ~ group

It was submitted by: (Thank you, Jenniy!!)

When I saw these words, I was drawn to the word sordid. I am not sure why. I decided that I needed to tell you all a sordid tale, even though I really don't have any to tell, but I figured the least I could do, was push the envelope a bit. Venture out of my safe zone, and tell you guys something that was maybe a tiny bit sordid.

So, then I started writing something out, I got quite a bit of the post's body written, and then I decided to scrap it. Then when I realized it would mean I would have to write something from scratch again, I almost just went with what I had written. The truth was, it was not that far out of my comfort zone.

It got me to thinking about myself, and my secrets, and things not many (if anyone) knows about me. I briefly imagined posting a sign saying I would reveal all my secrets, and wondering if a large group would wait in line for that. I am going to go with probably not. I mean I probably have a body or two in my closet, along with a few skeletons, but I am not sure any of it qualifies as interesting.

So, I have decided to tell a handful of things, that I have never really told anyone. You can decide just how sordid it all is. 

1. When I was young, I always wanted to be a lawyer. I even envisioned being a Supreme Court Judge. I would often tell people that. The thing I really never told anyone, was that I often dreamt about being an opera star. Wearing beautiful dressed, and singing beautiful songs. I am not sure why I wanted to do opera, and not country or pop music. Opera it was, and I would even dream about it at night. It is probably a good thing, I never tried to go for that dream. I really have a horrible singing voice, and I would hate to imagine it at even higher octaves. I have only ever regretted not pursuing it once. The day I went to see Phantom of the Opera on Broadway. It was breathtaking. I wished I could be apart of something so amazing. Coulda, shoulda, woulda... I still say I would have been horrible. 

2. I suffer from PTSD. Very, very few people know about this, and most of those who do, are my doctors. I have briefly mentioned it to some important people, but I never go into detail about it. I had to have some very intense therapy, for quite a while, to get better to a point, that it no longer controls my entire life. Don't get me wrong, it does impact me and my actions a lot, but I am much better than I once was. It took me several months, to accept my diagnosis, and start the necessary therapy. Not because I was in disbelief, I just always saw PTSD has something, a person who went to war had, and I did not feel I had gone through anything as close to as bad as war. I finally learned that it can happen to anyone, a soldier or not, and war does not need to be involved. I wish I could tell you I was all better, but I am definitely not. I just learned plenty of coping methods, and I have gotten much stronger.

3. Twister is one of my favorite movies of all time. To this day, if it is on, I will watch it. I absolutely love it. For a while after watching it for the first time, I used to be obsessed with tornadoes, and I genuinely wanted to know what it was like to be sucked up into one, and get blown around. Thankfully, I value life, so I never tried to actually find out. If ever given the opportunity to safely ride in a man made twister, I would absolutely do it! 

4. I was anorexic once. Crazy, I know. I would only eat unsalted, unbuttered popcorn or plain rice cakes. My anorexia was fueled by my OCD. I ended up in the hospital, and that fixed that. I had a severe fear of needles and IVs, and knowing that if I continued, I would keep ending up in the hospital, was enough to scare me straight.

5. Fourteen is my favorite number. Nobody knows, that my like for the number, started with my first serious crush on a boy. His baseball jersey number was fourteen. So, it became my favorite number. It grew on me, and still, twenty four years later, it is my favorite number. He is also what started my love for guys with red hair and blue eyes. Yes, in case you are wondering, I have a huge crush on Ed Sheeran.

6. I have attempted suicide more times than I can recall. It is not some huge number, I just cannot remember each time. A few people know about one or two of the times, but nobody really knows about it. I did discuss it with a therapist once, and she helped me see, that I did not really want to die, I had just become so overwhelmed with life and feelings, and that is why. She helped me see that if I had really wanted to die, to my core, I would have been successful. It is funny, because after that therapy session, I have not ever really come to that point again. Whenever I feel myself getting overwhelmed to the point of bad thoughts, I just figure out how to overcome the stress. It works. It is not a miraculous thing, but it does work, as long as I work the process. 

7. I had PPD after Gigi was born. It was terrible. I suffered in silence. Going through it, and feeling how I felt, has led me to encourage moms to speak out. Not be ashamed of their PPD. Get help. It is not something anyone should endure alone, in silence. I have always been one to shoulder my issues alone, and do whatever I have to, to survive life. However, going through that, and coming out of it, taught me that sometimes, it is better to let others in, and ask for help. Mothers should never feel shame, or be shamed. 

8. I lived in a house that was haunted once. I am not even joking. You cannot tell me the house was not haunted. There is absolutely NO explanation for the things I saw and heard. I think that house, may be what turned me into a lover of scary movies. Which to be honest is weird, because I actually HATE being scared. Genuinely hate it, but I love scary movies and scary TV shows. 

There you have it. Some stuff that you now know about me, that really nobody else does. Chad knows so very much about me, but even he would be surprised about most of these things. Do you have any sordid tales or details?! Do not forget to check out all the rest of September's Use Your Word posts. I will meet you there, right after I get some coffee. 

Links to the other “Use Your Words” posts:

                     Baking In A Tornado                 



  1. I am so glad you got the help you needed for the OCD, PTSD and especially the attempted suicides. I know you must have been hurting and I'm happy you found someone capable of bringing you to a better place.
    You've seen Twister so many times, I just recently saw it for the first time!

  2. Wow cuz this is great job! Congrats and keep it up.



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