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Off My Chest #UseYourWords

Today’s post is a writing challenge. This is how it works: participating bloggers picked 4 – 6 words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. Until now.

My words are:
gravely ~ gratify ~ legit ~ misjudge ~ realign
They were submitted by: The Angrivated Mom (Thank you for these awesome words!!)

Helllllloooooo!!! How are you guys doing?! I hope none of you are gravely ill. I am sorry if you opened this today, expecting to see an installment of the Stable Layne story. This read will not gratify your curiosity for more Stable Layne. I do hope you get some enjoyment from it, even if it is just that we connected. 

I had a legit plan on how to use my words, that involved Stable Layne, but once again, the stars did not align for that to happen. Hopefully, by next month's Use Your Words post, the stars will have shifted to realign, and I will supply you with more of the Stable Layne story. Just so you all know, I already know what happens with the Stable Layne story, I just need to work the UYW words into it, as well as break it down into segments. SO, if you are a fan, I promise you will get to know what happens with Layne and Damon. Pinky promise.

So, I have been going through some things lately. Really, I have been going through things for a few years now. Some personal, some related to my health, some shared struggles with others in my life. I just keep on going. That is all we can do, right? Well, lately it has been really weighing on me, but I just keep pushing on. Then, something happened recently, which was very much the straw that broke my metaphoric camel back. I guess the good news, is that it has been broken before, and I have overcome it. So, if history does in fact repeat itself, I should definitely overcome this. 

Admittedly, I am having trouble seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, but admittedly I have not been searching for the light for long. Plus, I am very determined, so that should help. The biggest thing working against me, is that I am feeling so stressed, and my body just does not handle stress well. Actually, I handle stress so poorly, that my doctor has given me strict orders to eliminate any and all stress that I am able to. The funny part is, that I think mentally, I do okay with stress. Yes, I tend to freak out, but I also tend to persist. Unfortunately, my body doesn't fair well at all, and that is my downfall. So, what has happened recently, has led to so much stress, that my body is just not doing as well as I would like. Luckily, I have some wonderful blogger friends, and non-blogger friends, and so I do have support.

I was speaking to one of my blogger friends a few weeks ago, before the straw broke my back, and she encouraged me to write a particular blog post. So, I added it to the growing list of blogs I want to write for you guys. The list is getting long. I am excited that it is growing, because in my plans of improving my blog, I also want to put out more (and better) content. So, on one hand, having a list of potential blog posts, is a GREAT thing. Yay for content. The truth is, it is actually not a good thing. The list is growing, and none are being marked off. I am not writing the things I want to for you guys. I am not making the progress I want to, in making my blog better, and more of what my actual vision is.  

The post the aforementioned blogger friend encouraged me to write, is a deeply personal one. I have never actually considered talking about it before, but she made very valid points about why I should share it. Plus, writing such a personal post aligns with my desire to put more of myself into my blog. So, it is really a perfect idea. During our talk, where we discussed me writing the post, I shed a lot of tears, and I had a bit of an emotional cleanse, and it was lovely. Unfortunately, after the recent events, I feel like I need another emotional cleanse. So, instead of just keeping my mouth shut, I decided to tell you guys about what I am feeling.

I am feeling stressed and worried. I am feeling angry and disappointed. I am feeling inadequate and unworthy. I am feeling frustrated and unheard. I am feeling trapped and threatened. I am feeling weak and vulnerable. I am feeling determined and stubborn. I am feeling confused and unsure. It is what it is.

I have been doing some deep thinking lately about my blog. I have been thinking about walking away from it, and ending it. To be honest, that would be a kinda wonderful thing, because it would just eliminate some of my stress. To be honest, that would also be kinda horrible. I would miss everyone who interacts with me. I would miss my blogger friends. I would miss finding out my subjects and words each month. I would miss having commitments. I would miss it. Period. 

There are a lot of things going through my head. I think part of the thing pushing me to walk away, is how hopeless I feel about certain things. What if I quit, and it ends up that I misjudged the hopelessness of things, and they get better, but my blog is gone. Would I want to start back over? I know I have not built much, but I have built some, and I built it with my heart and soul. It is a tough decision. I definitely have not made up my mind yet.

Another thing I keep weighing against the option to quit, is what my blogger friend and I discussed. What she wanted me to write about. I have extreme social anxiety. It is so extreme, that even just talking to people online is extremely hard for me. Even friends I have known for years and adore, I struggle with talking to them, even online. I work hard to not let it hinder me, and one of my ways of fighting against it, is my blog. Is writing things and sharing them with the world. Is posting on my blog's Facebook page, and interacting with everyone. Trust me, I struggle with every blog and every post. I struggle with every conversation. If you are thinking about a time we have interacted, and wondering if my social anxiety was bothering me during it, the answer is yes. Absolutely yes. The only person I do not struggle with anxiety with, is Gigi. Seriously. She is the only person. 

So, I have a lot on my mind. I will either push forward with improving my blog, which I have failed at so far, or I will bring it to an end. I promise if it ends, it will end with you getting all the answers you could possibly want about Stable Layne. I absolutely will not leave you guys hanging. I will also say goodbye. I will not just poof on you guys. You have all been so awesome over these past few years, and I will definitely not just disappear. 

So, there you have it. I am not really sure what this post is, and I am sure it is not what was in mind, when these words were assigned, but I just needed to get this all off my chest. I need to write about it. Think about it,. Gather my thoughts. Try to sort things out.

So, I hope you all have a wonderful Friday, and an amazing weekend. Now, go see what awesome things my friends did with their words!!


Links to the other “Use Your Words” posts:

Comments

  1. To quote Peter Sellers: Out with the bad air. In with the good air. And now, the kiss of life . . .
    We're here for you, Jules!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I hope that things will get better for you. I know you've been struggling for a very long time. Thinking of you and sending virtual hugs. I also suffer from severe social anxiety.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think you know how I feel. I want what's best for you. Period. I think that you would not only miss the blog community if you stopped writing, but I think you would miss the outlet of the writing itself. As I said to you before, don't make the decision out of hurt, take a few steps back. Take time to weight what you put into your blog and what it gives you back. I respect and support whatever decision you make.

    ReplyDelete

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