Sunday, May 17, 2015

Coming As I Am....

As many of you know, I recently lost my cousin MattMatt. His death hit me hard. It rocked me to my core. It has been weeks, and I have not recovered yet. I do not think I will ever fully recover. I think I will feel the impact of his loss for the rest of my life. That is fine with me. He was my MattMatt. I loved him. He was part of me. His blood was my blood. I should miss him. I find comfort in the knowledge that he will forever be with me, in my heart, in my memories.

As you may have noticed, I took a hiatus after MattMatt died. In reality, I am still on hiatus. I am just in turtle mode- peeking out of my shell and then pulling my head back in. I have just really needed time. Time to think. Time to feel. Time to process. Time to heal. Time to breathe.

So much has happened in my life the past few years. Sometimes it does not even feel real. Sometimes it feels like an insanely long dream. Sometimes I sit back and think about everything that has happened, and I wonder how I have managed to stay sane. Sometimes I question if I am actually sane. I have had people ask me how I have dealt with it all, and the answer is simple, you do what you have to do. I have to deal with it, so that is what I do. What other option is there? Life happens, and you deal.

Day by day, I grow. Year by year, I evolve. It is just the natural order of things. I am a different person today, than I was ten years ago. Really, I am different than I was even just a year ago. Life happens and I learn. Life happens and I grow. Life happens and I progress. It is what we all do. I have done a great deal of learning, growing, and evolving recently.

MattMatt dying really sparked a change in my soul. He was so young. I am so young. I have faced death in recent years, but I never really looked it in the eye. I have never really processed it at depth. I have accepted that I may die. I have made arrangements, written letters, made phone calls. I have gone through the motions. Having my baby cousin die, really made me stare death in the eye. Made me realize going through the motions, is not the same as really understanding it.

This time in my life has caused me to really analyze myself. To really question who I am, what I stand for, who I want to be, and how I wish to be remembered. I am known as a very open and honest person. I pride myself in that. I have been lied to far too much, and know the pain and anguish caused by it, to ever do that to anyone else.

That being said, in some ways I am not as honest as I may seem. I do hold certain things in. I don't think this is necessarily bad, as I think we should have parts of ourselves only shared with certain people. I do feel like some of the things I have kept inside, do not necessarily need to be, or may not need to continue to be.

With that in mind, I would like each and every one of you to know, that I am not nor have I ever been a heterosexual female. 

I support gay rights so strongly, not just because it is the right thing to do (in my opinion), but because they apply to me. It is because I can fully understand why it is so fundamentally important for everyone to have fair and equal rights, not just a select few that fall into particular categories.

I have been asked many times over the years why I support gay rights so strongly... Some have even said "it isn't like it effects you".... and finally, for once, I am saying that it does. It very much does.

As life would have it, I met and fell madly in love with Chad. I am happy with him. I love him. He loves me. We are not married, and we may never marry, or we may marry next week. Married or unmarried, we still love each other completely. I know that considering what I've just said about my sexuality, this is difficult for you to reconcile. Chad and I and our child are not a traditional family, but we are a happy loving family. You do not have to understand that. Only Chad and I do.

Today, May 17th, is International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia, and Biphobia. I chose today to post this, to show solidarity with anyone that does not fall into the neat category of "normal". We are all unique, and we all deserve respect.

I am the same person now, that I was ten minutes ago. The difference is, now you know something about me, that you didn't know before. Does that change who I am? No. If it changes who you see me as, that is a reflection on you, not me. I really hope that nothing changes, but I fear things might. That is sad. That needs to change. Nobody should ever live in fear of being judged, based on something as simple as whom they choose to love. 

As a society, we need to really change some things. Judgement and hate reign far too supreme. We need to start embracing love and acceptance. It is when those reign supreme, we will truly be able to begin flourishing as a society, together. Together we will rise, divided we will fall.

I hope everyone that reads this will choose to accept me as I am. If you can't, I am sorry for you. 

Just know I accept you all for the wonderful people you are. I will never judge you. I will never hate you. In my little area of the world, love and acceptance will always reign supreme.

A special thanks to Karen, from Baking in a Tornado, for helping me sort my thoughts and sharing her words with me. 

7 comments:

  1. It's nice to have others accept us, but the most important step is to just accept ourselves. I'm so glad you are able to own who you are, all of you.
    I'm sorry it took a painful death to bring you to this place, but I'm glad you're here. You know you have my support, and even a few of my words. . .

    ReplyDelete
  2. HUGS HUGS HUGS!!!!!
    You have to grieve YOUR way. Don't let anyone else ever tell you differently.
    Also, there's no such things as "normal". ;) Not one person in this whole wide world is "normal".
    You have to be true to YOU!!!!!
    I will be here behind you 100%!!!!!
    <3 <3 <3 <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. It may sound strange, but to me, the fact that somebody is gay or straight is about as important as eating meat or being a vegetarian, and I do realize one is a choice and the other not. What I'm trying to say is: I love and support you as the person that you are: a dear friend, fellow mommy and writer! ❤

    ReplyDelete
  4. You are a beautiful person and there's no reason to be ashamed of who you are. If people can't accept you, they don't need to be in your life. Simple as that.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hugs to you. All the hugs! I love you shared this on the 17th!!!

    This is an amazing post! You are an amazing person and I'm thankful to be able to read the beautiful words you've written.

    I'm so very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you all.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You did an awesome job of sharing this. I hope that by doing that you will gain more strength and support. I have dear friends who are not straight - it certainly does not change who they are or the fact that they are my friends. One has nothing to do with another and I am sure they could find a lot of things in my life to judge me if they wanted to. Thank you for sharing and if you need support in any way, rest assured you have a community of people around you that care.

    ReplyDelete
  7. You will forever and always be a brave, generous, and kind friend, Jules. XOXO

    ReplyDelete